I just heard that line on one of my favorite shows, "Time marches on and eventually you realize it's marchin' across your face."
I had a whole other post from November, but I guess it's floating around in cyberspace somewhere. So much has happened since July. I have a job as a TA in Special Ed at Providence Hall Junior High. I love it. I love the kids and I love the people I work with. Getting the job at all was a miracle; I sent out hail mary resumes and was hired on the spot without being asked when they could fire me or anything. I'm hoping to get my own class next year.
I have been told I look like Tinkerbell, I've been bossed around by twelve year olds, and I've been sneezed on. One little girl snapped her fingers at me and told me to type her report. I swallowed my retort and said, "Not only am I not a cocker-spaniel, but I know how to type already. You need to learn."
I have been blessed with a beautiful home in Daybreak. I painted the beige door bright turquoise after I got permission from the city. I live about 50 steps away from Joel. I get to see Kaden and Kaia every once in a while too; they are tall and gorgeous. I'm hoping that in some point in time, my children will be able to all go to the same school instead of three different ones. Josh and Cole go to Riverton Elementary because Josh is in ALPS and Cole wants to be with him, Kayla bikes to Daybreak Elementary, and Topher goes to preschool with Lucy. Just keeping it real.
My children are adjusting. It isn't easy for them, but I think God has let the storm rage and calmed them. And me.
I'm excited to take Kayla to do baptisms for the dead when she turns twelve in February.
Are the holidays supposed to be an experiment in terror? Is Pre-Holiday Stress Disorder a legit condition? I'm about to take hostages.
Sunday, December 11, 2011
Tuesday, July 19, 2011
Baby, I Like It
I have recently been asked what I like about my thirties and have spent some time thinking about it. Today I have been in my thirties for three years, and it has taken awhile to come to this conclusion: I like my thirties because I have figured out what I like. When my son, Cole, was little, one day he wouldn't eat some kind of food I had made. I asked him why and he said, "I don't love it." I was incredulous and started to lecture my very young son on how we often have to do things we don't like, be around people we wouldn't rather, and eat stuff for the sake of finishing all our food, blah, blah, blah. I didn't say it (that time.) His seemed like a valid argument and I was tired of getting in arguments with toddlers and losing, frankly. Then, one day, I was at my favorite clothes store to buy a shirt. I wandered back to the sale rack and looked through the slim pickings. I held one up that looked okay. It was on sale for quite a bit. I didn't especially like the color, though. Or the style. Or anything about it, really. But it was on sale! Then, I heard a little boy's voice in the back of my mind say, "I don't love it." I put the shirt back on the rack. How many times had I bought something on sale that I really didn't like? Wouldn't it be worth it to buy a few pieces for full price that I really liked, even loved, than a bunch of stuff that was *eh*?
Facing the world with this attitude has helped me figure out what I'm really like. I like dogs, but I can't own one. I've tried multiple times (sorry Mom.) I like having short hair and I think Emma Watson looks fabulous. I have figured out that I can be picky about food. I like stopping when I'm full. I don't like leggings. I know women who do and who look good in them, but I am not one of them. I don't like being pregnant. I love the babies, and it IS worth it, but every second of my pregnancies seemed like I was in a marathon in which both of my shoelaces were untied, I had just eaten a huge plate of pasta covered in Alfredo sauce, I had drunk too much, and there was no bathroom anywhere in sight.
I don't like big purses. My things get lost in there. I know I have four kids and I should be carrying wet-wipes and changes of clothes for every one of them, but I don't like it. And as you get older, that answer gets more and more acceptable.
I like not having to be matchy-matchy. I like putting together colors that are friends. I can put a turquoise sweater with a coral skirt. I like ordering the same things at the same restaurants. I like Johnny Depp and Reese Witherspoon. I like the way I feel when I wear a silk dress and pointy-toed shoes. I like how good denim hugs my legs and makes my butt look good. I like tasteful animal prints (there's no such thing as a pink cheetah.) I like putting on mascara with my mouth open. I like spraying perfume and stepping into it and twirling.
On this, my thirty-third birthday, I think it is as good a time as any to say that being a soon-to-be single woman who's soon-to-be living in Daybreak, there's still a lot to like.
Facing the world with this attitude has helped me figure out what I'm really like. I like dogs, but I can't own one. I've tried multiple times (sorry Mom.) I like having short hair and I think Emma Watson looks fabulous. I have figured out that I can be picky about food. I like stopping when I'm full. I don't like leggings. I know women who do and who look good in them, but I am not one of them. I don't like being pregnant. I love the babies, and it IS worth it, but every second of my pregnancies seemed like I was in a marathon in which both of my shoelaces were untied, I had just eaten a huge plate of pasta covered in Alfredo sauce, I had drunk too much, and there was no bathroom anywhere in sight.
I don't like big purses. My things get lost in there. I know I have four kids and I should be carrying wet-wipes and changes of clothes for every one of them, but I don't like it. And as you get older, that answer gets more and more acceptable.
I like not having to be matchy-matchy. I like putting together colors that are friends. I can put a turquoise sweater with a coral skirt. I like ordering the same things at the same restaurants. I like Johnny Depp and Reese Witherspoon. I like the way I feel when I wear a silk dress and pointy-toed shoes. I like how good denim hugs my legs and makes my butt look good. I like tasteful animal prints (there's no such thing as a pink cheetah.) I like putting on mascara with my mouth open. I like spraying perfume and stepping into it and twirling.
On this, my thirty-third birthday, I think it is as good a time as any to say that being a soon-to-be single woman who's soon-to-be living in Daybreak, there's still a lot to like.
Sunday, June 19, 2011
Veni, Vidi, Vici!
Yes, that's right, I came, I saw, I conquered! I took the GRE and I ROCKED the thing! Yea! Unbeknownst to me, it was my Grandma Glenda's birthday that day. She'd have been a hundred years old. I think it was good luck. I've been sick to my stomach for days and wondered why until I looked at my calendar. Oh. The test. I went at 7:30 a.m. so I could fill out my info and then took the thing...I skipped the breaks and barreled through. It took three hours. Ugh. I'm done though!
I finished my research paper and took the final for my critical theory class, too. It was funny, cause as I walked into the classroom to take the test, one of the other students was reciting the definition for critical theory that I memorized for the final too: "The study of the set of assumptions for literature in general that guide practical criticism." I even kinda know what it means. It was a blessing to be in the class, because it has kept my mind off big words like divorce and short sale. Now those things have taken center stage and I am trying to find something else to push them back to the side-lines.
Anyone know any good books? I've read the City of Bones, Glass, Fallen Angels, etc. but I'm irritated with them. I'm tired of reading about women who define themselves by loving a beautiful man. I was so happy to read Hunger Games because I actually like Katniss. I'm not sure if I like Bella. I like the books and I like the movies, but I'm not sure I like Bella. Ideas?
I'm waiting for the short sale in Daybreak to go through. I've signed papers, even addendums, and my real estate agent says it looks like we'll be in sometime between the end of June to mid-July. I haven't heard a word from the bank since. My agent has even suggested I look at back-up homes. Huh? You'd think that with the recession going on that banks would be eager to get people paying for houses that are otherwise not being paid for, right? I'm trying to think this through logically, but I have a feeling this isn't a logical process, so I'm trying to talk myself into not having an ulcer.
Today was the last day I will teach Relief Society in the ward we're in right now. I was released from the calling. It was sad and I will miss it. You always learn so much as a teacher studying for a class. I have appreciated the opportunity.
I finished my research paper and took the final for my critical theory class, too. It was funny, cause as I walked into the classroom to take the test, one of the other students was reciting the definition for critical theory that I memorized for the final too: "The study of the set of assumptions for literature in general that guide practical criticism." I even kinda know what it means. It was a blessing to be in the class, because it has kept my mind off big words like divorce and short sale. Now those things have taken center stage and I am trying to find something else to push them back to the side-lines.
Anyone know any good books? I've read the City of Bones, Glass, Fallen Angels, etc. but I'm irritated with them. I'm tired of reading about women who define themselves by loving a beautiful man. I was so happy to read Hunger Games because I actually like Katniss. I'm not sure if I like Bella. I like the books and I like the movies, but I'm not sure I like Bella. Ideas?
I'm waiting for the short sale in Daybreak to go through. I've signed papers, even addendums, and my real estate agent says it looks like we'll be in sometime between the end of June to mid-July. I haven't heard a word from the bank since. My agent has even suggested I look at back-up homes. Huh? You'd think that with the recession going on that banks would be eager to get people paying for houses that are otherwise not being paid for, right? I'm trying to think this through logically, but I have a feeling this isn't a logical process, so I'm trying to talk myself into not having an ulcer.
Today was the last day I will teach Relief Society in the ward we're in right now. I was released from the calling. It was sad and I will miss it. You always learn so much as a teacher studying for a class. I have appreciated the opportunity.
Saturday, June 4, 2011
Hope is the thing with feathers....
Am I the only mother who doesn't look forward to summer break? It's okay if I am, I'm just wondering. Mikayla and Josh have taken fighting and made it into an art-form, albeit a ruthless one. I put Kayla into a jazz dance class that my friend teaches, hoping that she'll let out some of her angst there and come home tired and less mouthy. I hope that she hasn't inherited my dancing skills. I am reminded of a Seinfeld episode where Elaine's dancing is likened to a full-body dry heave...
I've been looking at short sale houses in Daybreak. Short sales are a pain. A woman at the "glass house" information building, trying to cheer me up, said that she knows some people who were able to get the short sale they wanted after 45 days. What?! Then she looked down and said that her own short sale took 6 months. Ooookay. So, I have signed some papers and even some addendums for a house I love in Daybreak, but I'm wary. It'll be real when I have the key to the house in my hand. The house I love is a two story and has a mostly finished basement. I can tell that the people love the house, which makes it sad and good at the same time. The cabinets are dark, which I love, it has a fireplace surrounded by slate tiles (I love slate!), it has nice wood blinds, and two closets in the master-bedroom (I need more clothes!) As I walked through it with my realtor, Annie, I could see myself and my troop happy there.
Mikayla has made a list of all the pros and cons for going to Daybreak Elementary and for going to Silvercrest. She is very practical and her list-making brings up images of women I love doing the same. I'll be taking the kids to three different schools regardless: Josh and Cole are going to Riverton Elementary (Josh is in Alps and Cole wants to be in the same school and track), Kayla will go to Silvercrest or Daybreak, and Topher will go to preschool (if I can find one that will take him this late and won't require me to donate plasma every month for the tuition.) Is it weird to anyone else that pre-schools can cost as much as a car payment? He's going to be the youngest in his class because his birthday is in August, otherwise I would allow him to wallow in ignorance for another year. Why not just teach him at home? Because I REALLY don't want to. I can teach other people's kids and send them home, but where do I send Topher when the teaching's done? Hmmmm?
Speaking of school, my last day of class is coming up and I have a research paper on the Kantian definition of the sublime and how it relates to love in Shakespeare's "Othello." Help me, Lord. I really need to blow this out of the water and impress my seemingly unimpressable professor. Bless him, he scares the snot out of me. He told a classroom full of college seniors (and me) that most people fail research papers miserably and that he wrote a book on how to write them. Great. Oh, and did I mention that a little test called the GRE is looming in the not too distant future? Lord help me, indeed.
I've been looking at short sale houses in Daybreak. Short sales are a pain. A woman at the "glass house" information building, trying to cheer me up, said that she knows some people who were able to get the short sale they wanted after 45 days. What?! Then she looked down and said that her own short sale took 6 months. Ooookay. So, I have signed some papers and even some addendums for a house I love in Daybreak, but I'm wary. It'll be real when I have the key to the house in my hand. The house I love is a two story and has a mostly finished basement. I can tell that the people love the house, which makes it sad and good at the same time. The cabinets are dark, which I love, it has a fireplace surrounded by slate tiles (I love slate!), it has nice wood blinds, and two closets in the master-bedroom (I need more clothes!) As I walked through it with my realtor, Annie, I could see myself and my troop happy there.
Mikayla has made a list of all the pros and cons for going to Daybreak Elementary and for going to Silvercrest. She is very practical and her list-making brings up images of women I love doing the same. I'll be taking the kids to three different schools regardless: Josh and Cole are going to Riverton Elementary (Josh is in Alps and Cole wants to be in the same school and track), Kayla will go to Silvercrest or Daybreak, and Topher will go to preschool (if I can find one that will take him this late and won't require me to donate plasma every month for the tuition.) Is it weird to anyone else that pre-schools can cost as much as a car payment? He's going to be the youngest in his class because his birthday is in August, otherwise I would allow him to wallow in ignorance for another year. Why not just teach him at home? Because I REALLY don't want to. I can teach other people's kids and send them home, but where do I send Topher when the teaching's done? Hmmmm?
Speaking of school, my last day of class is coming up and I have a research paper on the Kantian definition of the sublime and how it relates to love in Shakespeare's "Othello." Help me, Lord. I really need to blow this out of the water and impress my seemingly unimpressable professor. Bless him, he scares the snot out of me. He told a classroom full of college seniors (and me) that most people fail research papers miserably and that he wrote a book on how to write them. Great. Oh, and did I mention that a little test called the GRE is looming in the not too distant future? Lord help me, indeed.
Saturday, April 23, 2011
Shall We Not Go On?
My friends and family, it grieves me deeply to tell you this truth: after much prayer and heartache and sorrow, Steve and I have decided to divorce after spending 12 years together this Easter Sunday, April 24th. Please pray for our children. They are having a hard time. We have been greatly blessed, however. I have been greatly blessed. My love for my Savior, my Heavenly Father, for beloved family (from both sides!), for dear friends, for anonymous care-givers, for church leaders, for the sacredness of agency, for the plan of redemption, for my sweet, sweet children has grown exponentially these past few months. I am grateful for my blessings. I have never felt so awestruck by the Savior's atonement than during this time of my life. My elder brother felt what I am feeling and so much more. It makes me wonder how he survived Gethsemane. It brings me to my knees. Never before have the scriptures meant so much to me. The words seem to leap out at me and may as well be prefaced with my name.
He has heard my prayers and He has seen my tears. I know He will heal me and our children. I have been blessed to have words of comfort come to me during this time--whether from beloved poets, scriptures, or family. I have truly been led along. Shall I not go on in so great a cause as this: the gospel and family, hope, faith, love and legacy? Indeed, I must!
He has heard my prayers and He has seen my tears. I know He will heal me and our children. I have been blessed to have words of comfort come to me during this time--whether from beloved poets, scriptures, or family. I have truly been led along. Shall I not go on in so great a cause as this: the gospel and family, hope, faith, love and legacy? Indeed, I must!
Thursday, March 17, 2011
BYU Strut
BYU has changed a lot since I was there last. There are several new buildings, there isn't a huge hole where the library was being added onto, and the majority of the students are a lot younger than me. This being said, I found myself taking on my "student strut" as I came on campus--taking longer strides because when I am at BYU, I have places to BE. The last time I was a student there was 12 years ago. Now I am there for my English masters' degree. Why English? For the same reason I chose to go to BYU: it makes me happy. I love literature and poetry and I need to read the words and have them read to me by people who love them, too. I have found beauty in poetry, literature, and scripture recently that I have read but never truly appreciated before.
I am taking a GRE prep class right now to keep me humble and I am lucky enough to be able to go with my favorite brother. So far, we've taken a mind-numbing pre-test and two very concentrated classes on Reading Comprehension and Math, respectively. I have a month to learn things I have never seen before. After that, I'm going to take the GRE test. Our math professor seemed almost excited to bestow 4 hours of math "goodness" on 20ish students willing to go to class from 5-9 p.m. every Tuesday and Thursday. Bless her heart, I have dubbed her the "math whisperer." If anyone can help me on my GRE quantitative score, it's Dawn Roan.
I feel that within these 12 years between being a student, being at home, and being a student again, I have been hit hard by the proverbial stupid stick. I'm pretty sure the GRE and study materials are in English, but I'm beginning to have my doubts.
I am taking a GRE prep class right now to keep me humble and I am lucky enough to be able to go with my favorite brother. So far, we've taken a mind-numbing pre-test and two very concentrated classes on Reading Comprehension and Math, respectively. I have a month to learn things I have never seen before. After that, I'm going to take the GRE test. Our math professor seemed almost excited to bestow 4 hours of math "goodness" on 20ish students willing to go to class from 5-9 p.m. every Tuesday and Thursday. Bless her heart, I have dubbed her the "math whisperer." If anyone can help me on my GRE quantitative score, it's Dawn Roan.
I feel that within these 12 years between being a student, being at home, and being a student again, I have been hit hard by the proverbial stupid stick. I'm pretty sure the GRE and study materials are in English, but I'm beginning to have my doubts.
Thursday, February 17, 2011
Emily Dickinson
I can wade Grief—
Whole Pools of it—
I'm used to that—
But the least push of Joy
Breaks up my feet—
And I tip
Whole Pools of it—
I'm used to that—
But the least push of Joy
Breaks up my feet—
And I tip
Tuesday, January 18, 2011
The Least Push of Joy
It has been a long time! Christmas was a success! Trying to get my boys' faces away from a screen has proved hard, especially since Santa gave each boy a Nintendo DS. If only they could make money playing video games for hours...They put down their games with crossed eyes and glazed expressions. I try to find things for them to do that are as interesting, but I have a feeling that I come up short. It reminds me of one of my favorite professors from college, Dr. Johnstonneaux, who taught middle school English for years and years. He said that if he had hung naked from the chandelier in class, he would only have been able to hold his students' attention for 3 minutes max. I've felt that way with my own class and with my own children.
Mikayla got a Russian dwarf hamster that she named Mr. Ages from the movie The Secret of Nimh. He looks just like him. He has a little white mustache and old man eyebrows that make me laugh. He's bitten Kayla and brought blood a few times, but she still loves him. She has a little schedule for him taped to the outside of his cage. She gives him time for exercise, time that she reads to him, time for him to sleep. She will be 11 on the 11th of February and she has reminded me several times that she will be in Young Women in a year. My heart squeezes when I think of her plowing through her youth with a single-minded determination to get it behind her.
I was able to do a session for the first time at the Oquirrh temple. It is much smaller than the Jordan River temple, but makes up for it in its beauty and the feeling I have when I go inside. We can see three temples from our house. Four on a very clear day. Where else in the world is this possible?
Mikayla got a Russian dwarf hamster that she named Mr. Ages from the movie The Secret of Nimh. He looks just like him. He has a little white mustache and old man eyebrows that make me laugh. He's bitten Kayla and brought blood a few times, but she still loves him. She has a little schedule for him taped to the outside of his cage. She gives him time for exercise, time that she reads to him, time for him to sleep. She will be 11 on the 11th of February and she has reminded me several times that she will be in Young Women in a year. My heart squeezes when I think of her plowing through her youth with a single-minded determination to get it behind her.
I was able to do a session for the first time at the Oquirrh temple. It is much smaller than the Jordan River temple, but makes up for it in its beauty and the feeling I have when I go inside. We can see three temples from our house. Four on a very clear day. Where else in the world is this possible?
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