Why

It seems like it's taking me too long to get over not being a teacher. I think I'm confused about how to define myself. I always felt like I could ensure myself a job as long as I did what was asked. Lesson plans? Three weeks ahead. Calling parents? I was there until 6 pretty much every night. Over the last couple months, I have tried to wrap my brain around what I could have done differently. Tried to logically explain to myself what had happened. I haven't been able to. Logic doesn't seem to be a part of the ultimate decision. And while it is a bit of a relief that I did everything I could, it is also devastating because I did everything I could. It feels like a freak of nature, like a tornado or earthquake has brought me to my knees and asking why doesn't explain what made the plates shift or the winds twist. Just accepting seems to be the only option, and yet I am having a hard time. How long is acceptance going to take? Is it too much to hope for that one day I will actually be grateful that this happened? I want to be. I want to look back without feeling like I am pushing on a bruise. I want to have peace--to be able to look back and with understanding say, "Oh, that's why."