I need a Xanax

The last couple days have been suckish for us. First, Cole slammed the door on Topher's pinky toe. Hard. The poor little guy screamed like he had lost a toe. It was dark purple, swollen, and didn't look as much like a toe as a little prune. We're pretty sure it's broken. I would like to say that I took Cole by the hand and sweetly assured him that I still loved him even though he squished my baby's toe, but I didn't do that. I'm not positive about what I said, but it was not sweet and I think by the time we got to my parents' house to consult someone more clear-headed than I was, everyone in the car was crying. Toph's a lot better now--he walks on his heel and has put some weight on it, but it looks like there was a lot of broken blood vessels and it feels hot.

Today I got to take Kayla to the new Primary's in Riverton (it's nice.) She has had urinary reflux since she was born which is, according to someone completely non-medical (me), a condition where her pee goes up her little tubes that connect to her kidneys because of a faulty valve and can do some damage in there. It also causes UTIs. A lot of them. The sad thing is that she's had so many that she's stopped telling me about them. Even when there's blood. She went to the SLC Primary Children's Hospital when she was 6 and was given tests and put on antibiotics when they confirmed what was wrong. After a year of antibiotics, the doctors assured us that the reflux was gone. Ha. Ha ha. It is not gone. It was taking a nap for a couple years and it is now wide awake and making her miserable and even crankier than usual. (Yikes.) Today she got an ultrasound and they told me that there's no scarring in her kidneys, but her urethra is swollen and her bladder lining is thick, resulting from multiple infections. Then Kayla was put through the mother of all tests for a little girl. She was put into a gown, laid out on a table, and told that a catheter would be put in. She was also told that a lot of water would fill her bladder through the catheter so that her bladder would be full almost to bursting. The machine hovering over her body was just going to take pictures. Kayla was fine with all of this in theory. When it actually happened, she panicked in a big way. She hyperventilated, she cried, she screamed for her dad, and she refused to pee on cue. After 10 minutes, the doctor told her she could go use the bathroom. Struck with a strong sense of deja vu, I remembered in detail a much younger Kayla with hair to her waist who refused to pee on cue then, too. Luckily, the doctor today was able to see what he needed regardless. Her reflux is back and it's worse. I go in Wednesday for a consultation. What does it mean that I am really hoping she can just get surgery and fix it? 'Cause that's where I am right now.